So yesterday after Aaron's eye dr appt I ran a few more errands, one of them being a quick trip to KMart. Amelia was sitting in the cart, and as we turned down the shampoo aisle a woman smiled at her. A moment later she asked me how old she was, and I told her that she's two.
Then the lady asked me if my daughter was a mongoloid.
Just like that. "Is she a mongoloid?" Wha-? Um, (blink, blink) what? If you mean does she have Down syndrome, yes, she does.
"Yea, I thought she looked like a mongoloid. I have a cousin who's a mongoloid."
I know I stood there for a full 5 seconds with my mouth hanging open. This caught me very off guard and I had to think how to formulate a response. My first thought was, she's saying this so loudly. Right out loud, here in front of God and everybody. Insulting my little girl.
And she doesn't have a clue.
That's the thing. She truly, truly had no idea that what she was saying might be offensive. She went on to tell me about her cousin, whom she grew up next door to, how she loved him, helped him learn new words growing up, and how well he is doing today. I assumed she was speaking from another generation, until she mentioned her age -which is 3 years younger than me!
I wasn't even mad at her. The woman clearly didn't know any better. From her accent I could tell she probably wasn't a local woman, and based on the fact that I'd assumed she was at least 10 yrs older than me, she clearly hadn't had an easy life. No, I wasn't mad at her. Just sad to realize the depth of ignorance that's still out there. It made me think of the movie Precious, where the young mom names her daughter with DS, Mongo.
I see parents of kids with SNs get upset at others who don't use people-first language. And I fully understand where they're coming from. But I don't get bent out of shape, because I know a lot of the older generation grew up with terms like "Down syndrome child", And out of respect for that generation, I don't pretend to be the word police. I model people-first language, but if a person is being kind to my children, I don't get all up in their grill if they transpose the phraseology a bit. I look at their heart, and give them grace.
And I gave the KMart lady grace. In talking with her I could see that she truly adored Amelia, and was touched to hear of her adoption. I haven't lived that lady's life. And I don't think she had a very happy one. Blessed as I am, I'm not here to run her down because of simple ignorance. I guess I just wanted to share my utter surprise that a word like that was still in use.
That said, here are some pics of our littlest daughter, who just so happens to have Down syndrome...
These first 4 were taken during Dylan & Cait's visit home from England. Mimi loves her big brother & sister! :)
Kissing Dylan goodnight. And goodbye for awhile, since we don't know when he'll be able to come home on leave again. She's started sticking out her tongue to kiss people. And she wipes her mouth, as if they are the ones with the slobbery lips, instead of her. Once, it was so funny, Keegan or Aaron kissed her on top of the head and she wiped her mouth off with the back of her hand. Silly girl :)
This is what I saw when I walked into the tv room the other day. The little girl who took so long to learn to stand, now hates to sit down. How I love her.
Then the lady asked me if my daughter was a mongoloid.
Just like that. "Is she a mongoloid?" Wha-? Um, (blink, blink) what? If you mean does she have Down syndrome, yes, she does.
"Yea, I thought she looked like a mongoloid. I have a cousin who's a mongoloid."
I know I stood there for a full 5 seconds with my mouth hanging open. This caught me very off guard and I had to think how to formulate a response. My first thought was, she's saying this so loudly. Right out loud, here in front of God and everybody. Insulting my little girl.
And she doesn't have a clue.
That's the thing. She truly, truly had no idea that what she was saying might be offensive. She went on to tell me about her cousin, whom she grew up next door to, how she loved him, helped him learn new words growing up, and how well he is doing today. I assumed she was speaking from another generation, until she mentioned her age -which is 3 years younger than me!
I wasn't even mad at her. The woman clearly didn't know any better. From her accent I could tell she probably wasn't a local woman, and based on the fact that I'd assumed she was at least 10 yrs older than me, she clearly hadn't had an easy life. No, I wasn't mad at her. Just sad to realize the depth of ignorance that's still out there. It made me think of the movie Precious, where the young mom names her daughter with DS, Mongo.
I see parents of kids with SNs get upset at others who don't use people-first language. And I fully understand where they're coming from. But I don't get bent out of shape, because I know a lot of the older generation grew up with terms like "Down syndrome child", And out of respect for that generation, I don't pretend to be the word police. I model people-first language, but if a person is being kind to my children, I don't get all up in their grill if they transpose the phraseology a bit. I look at their heart, and give them grace.
And I gave the KMart lady grace. In talking with her I could see that she truly adored Amelia, and was touched to hear of her adoption. I haven't lived that lady's life. And I don't think she had a very happy one. Blessed as I am, I'm not here to run her down because of simple ignorance. I guess I just wanted to share my utter surprise that a word like that was still in use.
That said, here are some pics of our littlest daughter, who just so happens to have Down syndrome...
A friend of mine was asked the same question by a woman at her church one Sunday. She is much quicker than I, she answered, "No, he is American." Tee hee, had to share. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, that's funny! I'll have to remember that in case I ever get that question again.
ReplyDeleteGood post Sherry! Being a bit older than you, I grew up when children with DS were "Mongoloids" and the shift was to use 'Down Syndrome Children' instead. Those of us who are older do so with no disrespect, as old habits die hard. I recall many a time that I corrected someone from using the 'mongoloid' label and like you know that many loving, caring people mean no harm. Those who get hung up on 'child first' should remember that 'actions speak louder than words!' I still recall people being referred to as 'idiot, imbecile and cretin'! And these were accepted medical terminolgy! Thank goodness we have gotten away from those terms!!
ReplyDeleteI had never even heard the word "Mongoloid" nor knew what it meant until my husband's best friend used it in our home. He didn't know our youngest was born with DS, and when we told him he commented that he thought Evan had some "mongoloid features" but wasn't sure. I know he meant no disrespect but it was still a shock to hear it.
ReplyDeleteYou handled that well. How could she not be in love with your daughter. She is beautiful!!!
ReplyDeletefirstly your daughter is beautiful...secondly i symphathise...my own mother used the same word when talking about my daughter tilly, who has smith magenis syndrome! my jaw hit the floor! she is 80 next birthday and had NO IDEA it was offensive. xxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteYour girls are gorgeous! I actually didn't even know the term "mongoloid" until I was much older. I had always heard "Down's Syndrome". I've always thought of mongoloid as being an old school term too.
ReplyDeleteThe first time I heard mongoloid was when my midwife suggested I take my baby to his pediatrician because he wasn't tracking like he was supposed to and he "looked like a little mongoloid." She was trying to be cutesy and avoid alarming me, but there's not much worse she could have said. I don't think she really thought he had Downs, she just wanted to be proactive. It would have been much better if she just would have been honest and said, let's rule out Down's. She turned out to be one of my biggest supporters when it turned out Noah did have Down's. I guess I would have been upset no matter what she said, but the more I know a Down syndrome term is politically incorrect, the more hurtful it is when I hear it. That doesn't really seem right, but I guess it's because the more politically incorrect it is, the more people are exposed to the reason why that word or term is so hurtful, so if they continue to use it anyway, I take it more personally. So far, the only other hurtful words I've heard are about others. I hope I'm as gracious as you the next time somebody uses one of those no-no words about Noah specifically.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Alyson